disregard-ness

i've finally been doing more on the computer...
and i guess i never stopped taking pics either.
and i wrote some stuff on monday...
so to some extent, you can disregard that last post.

i've realized why i'm not writing anymore.
i'm not posting on my blogs, not writing in my notebooks, havent done anything new in DA for weeks, and i cant even doodle anymore.
this was all things i did to take my mind off my grandma.
it allowed me not to think about it, and numb my mind and body by sitting at a computer for hours on end.

so far i'm ignored my denial.
it hasnt sunk in yet. she's not really dead.
but when i think that, i know its not real
and i feel the emptiness in my head an stomache.